The Diary of Remus Lupin
by Absolutelyfucking-whipped
Summary: Somewhere, deep down, Sirius always knew he loved Remus Lupin, but after 6 years of want, all it took for Sirius to come out and say it was a few drinks, a stupid decision, and some reading
1. Prologue

Sirius was drunk, and though he couldn't focus on one thing for more than five minutes, his grey eyes found something unusual almost looking like a carving in his favorite (and only) werewolf's bedpost. Remus was downstairs, in the common room studying for a transfiguration exam coming next Wednesday, his honey-brown curls illuminated by the fire, making them look ginger, and his green eyes intently focused on some dusty book McGonagall had loaned him, so Sirius, drunkenly, decided to take a quick look, as it was probably some etching left by past lovers. As he took stumbling stride's forward, he realized it was something different. There was a small 'X' lightly carved into the wood, Sirius placed his index finger over the etching and traced it, then came a faint click as the bedpost opened a small compartment.

The compartment was painted to look like the forbidden forest at sunset, even as drunk as he was, Sirius recognized that this was Remus's work done with the acrylic paint Lily had bought him as a Christmas gift fourth year. Inside was a small, leather-bound book, a larger black spiral book (some muggle thing Lily had bought him as well) and an old worn piece of yellowed paper. Only a small sliver of his brain reasoned that going through obviously person items of Remus's was a bad idea, so he grabbed all three treasures and got comfortable against the pillows that he knew too well.

His hands were drawn to the paper, so he started there, as he unfolded worn paper he realized it was the letter James, Peter and he had written to him the first time he went through a full moon with them knowing. It was full of sorry for them meddling in his personal life, and them explaining how they still wanted him to be friends with them.

'_Remus was alone in the library, researching for the assignment Slughorn had given them, when he heard the footsteps approaching, his green eyes left the page to find the three faces of his newly found pains in his ass. Peters chubby face was turned downwards, blonde locks falling into his face, Sirius was looking off to the side, refusing to look him in the eyes and James was nervously running his hands through his hair. "What did you guys do now? I'm not doing your homework again" Remus huffed, highly irritable with the full moon approaching. The boy felt bad, but he couldn't ever properly apologize without telling them about his secret. "uh, James, Peter, I'll tell him. Go get some chocolate from the kitchens for later" Sirius said as he pulled out one of the chairs and sat down, his voice filled with anxiety. The other two left, whispering to themselves. Remus gave Sirius a questioning look, "tell me what?" he asked, Sirius sighed, "well you see, we were worried about what happens to you each month and why you get all those scars" the black-haired boy began as Remus felt his heart begin the quicken, "and while at first, I thought something was happening at home, as you always say it's just 'a family emergency', James found this book and well, now we know" out of his bookbag Sirius pulled a book about dark creatures, and the page marked was all about werewolves. Anxiety rose in Remus, and tear flooded his eyes, he met grey eyes and left in a hurry, needing to find a place to be alone. He knew he shouldn't have come to Hogwarts, he would never be normal. Sirius calls faded as he ran faster than he's ever done before, straight to the forbidden forest where he could be left alone with himself.'_

He smiled and folded it back up, putting it back in the compartment. Next, he picked up the book Lily got him, he opened the first page to see one of Remus's drawings, a beautiful landscape of the lake. He flipped through a few more pages, finding profiles of different people, landscapes and sometimes doodles, Sirius tucked a lock of his hair behind his ear and flipped a page to find his own face drawn so beautifully. It was his face, smiling so hard his eyes crinkled at the edges, Sirius had forgotten how Remus could capture every detail of someone. He put this back alongside the letter.

He then grabbed the leather book, it was small and worn and the pages were yellowed but it smelled of chocolate and herbs. Of Remus. Sirius carefully opened up the first page, Remus's name printed in loopy handwriting at the top.

_ 'August 30th, 1971_

_I begin attending Hogwarts tomorrow, mum gave me this, she told me to write what I felt when times got tough. I'm nervous, people are going to find out my secret and then I'll be sent home. I want to go, but I was fine being homeschooled, dad was the one who forced me to actually go. I'm scared to leave home, I stopped playing with the children of my town after the incident. We moved to the country, where mom taught me muggle maths and English and took care of me, I'll miss her and I'll miss dad too. Dumbledore is nice. I want to go to Hogwarts.'_

Sirius had just found Remus's diary, and he was about to continue to read until he heard footsteps coming up the staircase. He closed the secret compartment and hopped on to his own bed, tucking the book under his pillow, then pretended to sleep. He listened as Remus walked James and Peter to their beds before he returned to his own, whispering goodnight to each of them as he went. Bedsheets ruffled and with a quick "nox" the lights were out.

Sirius drifted to sleep, not understanding the mess he had just gotten into.


	2. Chapter 1

Sirius had just finished potions and was now heading back to his dorm to enjoy his free period reading. While Sirius wasn't usually the reading type, he definitely was when it came to Remus Lupins' diary. He knew he should have put it back where he found it, but just a few pages couldn't hurt to read, plus he doubted there was anything he could find in there that he didn't already know. "Lemon crystals," he whispered to the fat lady, who gave him a wink as she opened up to let him in. While a compliment was a compliment, some were just a little creepy. He subconsciously tucked his wand behind his ear, waved to some first years and headed up the stone stairs to the dorm.

He checked the dorm to make sure no one else was there, then jumped on his bed, grabbed the book from under it and flipped open the pages. The first three entries were just as boring as his potions textbook, but eventually, it got interesting.

_'June 7th, 1971_

_Lily Evans always hangs out with that prick, Severus. I found her crying in a corner of the library today, so I sat down with her and gave her the most awkward hug ever. We sat against the wall together and I let her cry on my shoulder while I read and patted her back sometimes. When she was done she told me that Severus had said he hated her mudblood family, and when she tried to tell him to stop using that word, he charmed her hair blue, so she ran off. One day I'm going to turn his hair into a bunch of snakes.'_

Sirius chuckled, he knew Remus didn't like the greasy-haired bastard, but he never felt right about participating in many of their pranks on him. Even as a kid, he guessed Remus was just as protective as Lily as he was now. With only thirty minutes left of his free period, he slid the book back under his bed and left the dorm room to go get a snack from the kitchen.

Most people in the common room had left, but Lily was seated in his favorite squishy armchair, snoring softly, her red hair up in a messy bun and her homework still sat in her lap. Sirius walked over and gently took her homework and set it on a nearby table then picked up Lily and carried her to the stairwell leading to the girl's dormitory. Now, while he wasn't one hundred percent sure this work, he thought that as long as there was a girl with him, the stairs couldn't change. Tentatively, he placed his feet one the first step, and nothing changed. So he kept going up and eventually, he reached the top. Lily was halfway awake by now, so he looked on the dorm room signs that said her name and once he'd found hers, he knocked. Marlene McKinnon answered, and Sirius smiled sheepishly. "Only Sirius black could manage to somehow make it up the girl's dormitory stairs," she sighed. "It is why they call me Sirius Black, the great," he stated as Sirius gently set Lily down on her bed, who mumbled something about her charms homework, but he told her it would get done.

"Thanks, Marlene," He said on his way out, and headed to the stairs, and when he put his feet on the step, it automatically changed to a slide sending him crashing into a table.

Once he was in the kitchens he said hello to all the elf's, grabbed an apple off the counter and sat down atop the Gryffindor table. Sirius asked an elf for some chocolate, and shepherds pie. As he enjoyed his apple, he watched them work quickly, while most people found them ugly, Sirius thought they were endearing. Soon he was given a bag full of food and some forks, Sirius hopped off the counter said goodbye and sauntered out. With 10 minutes to spare, he made his way up to his least favorite class, arithmancy. Sirius didn't even take this class, Remus did, and quite frankly, he didn't even know what it was about. Sirius used his wand to put up his hair in a bun, and he took off his leather jacket.

The bell wrung and people began to file out of classrooms, when he spotted Remus, Sirius trotted over, chocolate bar in hand. When he came up, he saw the curly-headed boy talking to a pretty Ravenclaw. She had shiny straight dark brown hair, and she was 5 or 6 inches shorter than Remus, her socks went up to her mid-calf and her skirt was a little shorter than dress code requirements. When he waltzed up, she looked him up in down with distaste. Sirius chose to ignore this, and her presence overall. "Here you are, Moony," he smiled and handed over the chocolate bar to Remus, who took it happily, opened it and broke off a piece for Sirius. "Thanks, pads, we should get going to Minnies," he smiled and waved to the girl he was talking to, then led them down the hallway.

"By the way, have you seen Lily? I have some homework of hers I finished since she was so tired today," Remus asked. Sirius told him about how he found her asleep and then took her into the dormitory, but he was really thinking about how much he was such a good person, and how that Ravenclaw girl seemed like a bitch, and how he didn't like Remus around her.


	3. Chapter 2

Remus had begun to hang out with that girl more often, and Sirius had learned enough about her to dislike her. A lot. Her name was Mary Chang, and it was obvious she was trying to get with Remus. Every time Sirius met Remus to go to Transfiguration, she was looking him up and down and she kept touching his arm. Sirius didn't care which dumb bird Remus decided to go out with, he just didn't think Mary was the right choice for him.

The four boys were sat at the Gryffindor table, ready for dinner. James had his arm around Lily, who was very actively trying to get Peter to talk with some Hufflepuff he had been drooling over for weeks.

"Lily, she's just so pretty. What if she already has a boyfriend?" Peter cried. Lily snorted and shook her head, "Peter I assure you she doesn't have a boyfriend, she's sitting all by herself. Just go talk to her, or I'll do it for you."

Peter bit his lip nervously before he walked over, head turned low and hands shoved in his pockets. Sirius was startled when he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to find a very concerned looking Remus.

"Are you alright? You've been uncharacteristically quiet" Remus asked softly. Sirius sighed longingly and dropped his head onto Remus's shoulder, "Moony, I am absolutely not ok. Life is so boring, James is dating Lily, Peter is always talking about that Hufflepuff girl, and in all your free time you're studying Mary's long legs in the library" he looked up at Remus with sad eyes and pretended to wipe away a tear, "I've been forgotten, wasted away by time. Soon my legacy won't even stand."

"Legacy of being the most dramatic person ever," Remus mumbled before he stated, "And I'm not studying anything besides my arithmancy textbook" Remus gave Sirius a pointed look. "Ah, of course, it's not like every time Mary sees you she isn't all like '_oh Remus, go out with me and put down that textbook, we have other things to do_'" Sirius mocked as he rubbed Remus's arm and batted his eyelashes up at him.

Remus sighed and shoved Sirius off of him, "Fuck off Pads, it's not like that. We're just study partners"

Before he could say anything, Remus waved at something behind him, "Oh hi Mary, you want to head to the library now?"

Sirius turned around to face _her._ Her lips were in a sweet smile, and her eyes traveled around Remus's chest, she laughed the most annoying high pitched laugh he had ever heard, "Yea, sorry for stealing him," she regarded Lily and James, ignoring him altogether. "Bye, Lily, James," she paused as she looked at him with distaste, "Black," Mary said his surname like it was poison, then she hooked her arm under Remus's and dragged him off to the library. Sirius huffed and promptly stabbed his food, while he heard Lily laugh and not so subtly whisper to James about a _certain someone _being jealous, which then lead Sirius to head up to his dorm.


	4. Chapter 3

Sirius flopped down on his bed, he was _not_ jealous, he just didn't like Mary, and she didn't like him. He decided now was as good as ever to read, so he slipped the leather-bound book out from under his bed and flipped open to the page he was last on. It was the page about Lily, and Sirius felt his mouth rise into a soft smile, he had been hyperaware of Lily and Remus's friendship after that day, he could tell they had a deeper understanding of each other than most people, they worked so well together as they had been best friends since they first met.

The entry was the first from second year. It was short, but it made Sirius tear up a little bit.

_'September, 13th 1972,_

_I hate my scars, people are always staring at them, I wish there was a magic spell to get rid of them. They make me feel like a monster.'_

His heart dropped to his stomach, he had known since they found out that Remus felt like he was some sort of menace to the world, but he didn't think about how it affected Remus. Sirius felt his sadness be replaced by anger, Remus didn't deserve this, for merlin's sake he folded his goddamn _socks. _If he had the chance, he would have murdered the person who bit him, no matter what circumstances it was under.

Sirius kept reading, there were more entries about their pranks, and then he came across a particularly interesting entry.

_'January, 1st 1792,_

_Mum and dad have always told me to follow the bible, but I think it's stupid. No old man in the sky made humans or plants, while I don't know how it happened, I just don't believe in him. I don't know if I'm going to tell them this, but I'm telling it to myself.'_

He laughed, Remus had told his parents about his lack of belief in god in fourth year, and they had slowly come to accept him for it. As a pureblood, he had no idea what God or the bible was, it had seemed like a whole lot of shit when Remus and Peter tried to explain it.

Sirius heard footsteps coming up the stairs, so he hastily tucked the book under his pillow and leaned back, trying to act nonchalant by casting random charms to make things move as Remus walked in, carrying three heavy tombs in his arms, looking as though he might faint.

"Good study session with Mary, eh?" he quirked his eyebrow, hoping Remus would tell him what happened. The other boy just rolled his eyes and mumbled something he could quite make out, Sirius could tell he was irritated, but he wanted to know so bad that he pushed.

"What happened?" Sirius's voice was soft, and he gestured for Moony to sit down next to him. He watched as Remus contemplated if it was a good idea before he sighed and sat down. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus's shoulder and pulled him into Sirius so his back was pressed against Sirius's chest. It was rare they ever sat like this, it only happened after particularly bad full moons, or when Sirius got letters from his mom, but he always enjoyed it when it happened. Remus relaxed against Sirius, and he could feel the tension slowly leave his shoulders, but he decided to ignore the faint blush appearing on both their faces.

It took several moments before Remus began to speak, his voice low and soft, "Mary, she threatened to tell everyone that..." his voice trailed off, he closed his eyes and cuddled closer to Sirius's chest. While Sirius wanted to know what had happened, he wouldn't press Remus, so he ran his hands through the other boy's hair. Remus's hair was one of the greatest wonders of this world, it was one of the softest things he had ever felt, and it was just curly enough to wrap around his ears when it got too long. The curls were a honey brown, and in the sun they almost look auburn, with little grey hairs beginning to pop up, which Remus would twirl around his pointer finger during tests.

After some time, Sirius spoke, "we don't have to talk about, just relax, ok?" his voice was gentle and he smiled when Remus nodded and seemed to doze off to sleep.

Sirius's eyes roamed over his face, which was peaceful in sleep, making him look a few years younger. His face finally relaxed as he didn't have to worry about academics or the possible war hanging over their heads, and his anxieties over his transformations gone just for a little while. Remus's cheeks were a faint red, and his lips were partly open as he snored quietly, and Sirius sighed softly. As he began to count the freckles across Moony's nose, he knew he was absolutely fucking whipped. Sirius had known that he didn't find girls interesting, they had been a wonder when he was 13, but now thoughts of Remus ran through his mind. He was gay, or at least gay for Remus, but right now Remus needed him for a pillow, so he pushed down these emotions and closed his eyes too, deciding to fall into blissful sleep.

He was awoken several hours later by the sound of James setting a plate down on his bedside table, Sirius turned his head and saw that it was a plate of dinner for him and Remus, but at this point, all he could care about was the fact that his arms were wrapped around Remus's waist and that James was looking at them cautiously, not knowing what to say. Eventually, he flashed Sirius that dorky smile and shrugged, then stole a roll of the plate before he headed into the bathroom for a shower.

Sirius's face heated up as he snuggled his nose into the nook of Remus's shoulder, deciding that right now to go back to sleep and enjoy the heat of the boy next to him. While he knew if Remus ever found out, he would be disgusted, Sirius could burn this little moment of hope into his mind and go blissfully back to sleep.


End file.
